Suzette Colson Psychology BSc MBACP
Specialism
This is about the loss and grief that you are experiencing whether due to the death of a loved one, or through the sense of abandonment and betrayal trauma that can come through separation, divorce or infidelity.
This can be an extraordinarily complex area, dependent upon a number of factors such as the nature of relationship you held with your partner, your particular family background, culture as well as the personal expectations you had held towards the relationship as well as the nature of the partnership. For example if you were in a relationship in which the deceased acted as the leader carrying out most of the major decisions, while you tended to be more reliant and dependant, you may now be experiencing extreme lack of confidence as this is not a role you have been used to performing. So in addition to the acute sense loss you are undergoing, you are also having to deal with things you have had little experience of at a time when you are struggling to survive in your new changed world.
Your particular personality will also impact on your response to your bereavement, responses may vary from depression and helplessness leading perhaps to denial, or engaging in a coping mechanism of hyperactivity in the attempt to keep the pain at bay. Perhaps you are in a situation where those around you are unable or unwilling to talk about or even recognise pain (Disenfranchised Grief). Everybodys situation and experience is so different.
Relationship Difficulties
No relationship is perfect, but when you experience the difficulties much more frequently then the moments of pleasure, it is the time to take stock of what is happening in your life.
One of the main things to look out for is how you are communicating with your partner. We all have different communication styles and you need to be aware of how you ‘talk’ to one another, particularly over the difficult and more sensitive subjects. These include the finances, sex and parental conflict in family life. Another problem is that over time we can change, and when you don’t necessarily change together this can lead to growing apart. This involves acceptance of the changes and re-negotiating new ways of being together.
Traumatic events can often affect your relationship, and in these situations it is again important to work together, discussing what is happening within yourself. Without this the other will be left bemused and isolated, reduced to speculating on the possible causes of the problems being experienced. One particular trauma that can result from lack of communication is infidelity, although by no means the only one. It is important to realise that relationships can be rebuilt after betrayal, but this will be a long and slow painful process, requiring both to commit to the recovery process.
Trauma
Trauma is the result of experiencing a seismic event and it is important to understand this is life changing and that your feelings will be volatile, veering from numbness, disbelief, different shades of denial, extreme intense emotions such as anger and grief, all symptoms of being in a state of shock.
This is but the beginning of the journey of reorienting yourself in an alien unrecognised world. This will take time and you need to be patient with yourself as you slowly seek to make sense of this new hostile world you perceive around you. There is now a wealth of research on the effects of trauma which includes insomnia, flashbacks and triggers, high state of vigilance.
Overcoming Trauma is highlighted in research within the area of Post Traumatic Growth, which indicates that for many it is possible to achieve this. By learning from the past, you not only develop strength and resilience by re-evaluating your life and relationships and can go on to experience personal growth, enjoying experiences previously thought impossible. This is due to the radical realignment in the way you perceive and understand your place in the world. It's about the ability to accept that life didn't turn out the way you wanted, but with acceptance you can be in a better position to embrace future possibilities as they arise and adjust to the unexpected painful turn life has taken.
Depression & Anxiety
Anxiety is something that we all experience at one point or another. However when this becomes frequent and debilitating, interfering with our normal every day lives, therapy is a powerful tool in overcoming some of the distressing symptoms.
These can include panic attacks which are feelings of intense fear and anxiety, which have physical symptoms, such as breathlessness (hyperventilation), increased heart rate, and trembling. Other symptoms of anxiety include insomnia, lack of focus, avoidance behaviour and a variety of phobias.
Depression can be described as a general sense of hopelessness, which could include a sense of worthlessness or self-hate. Often people experience a frequent low mood or sadness, being tearful alongside a low self esteem. This is often accompanied with a lack of interest in life with low motivation levels, with the difficulty in decision making.
While depression is generally considered a low energy state it does have links with anxiety considered a high energy state. There is complex cyclical relationship, as one can set off the other, with anxiety often being the trigger.
Low Self-Esteem
This means that you have a low opinion of yourself, which includes your sense of identity which in turn deeply impacts on your self-confidence. It is the inability to value your own thoughts, feelings and interests…basically what makes you, you.
The way you feel about yourself will alter the way you treat others. Because you experience deep self-doubt it will be more difficult to make decisions without worrying the wrong choice has been made. Also this may mean that you need to defer to others, not sticking to your own choices. Because you do not value yourself you may not prioritise your own needs and desires which can be at the expense of pleasing others as you struggle to assert yourself.
People pleasing behaviour means that in order to gain acceptance you go out of your way to ensure that those around you are happy and comfortable ignoring your own wants, because you are unable to say no, fearing rejection if you reveal your own inner hopes and desires. There is the perception that if you reveal your own true self to those around you they will leave, and your answer so far has not been to put this to the test with the result that you continue to hide your real self with it's varying consequences.
Contact Details
Tel: 07930964798
E-mail: suzettecolson@hotmail.co.uk